How to Be Friends with Someone Who Works for You
By Sabina Nawaz |
(HBR) Working as a senior executive can be a lonely job. You have to
deliver tough messages. You can’t always be transparent about your own
challenges. And you must keep key decisions confidential until the
timing is right.
There’s no way to escape the necessary burdens of authority. And,
from time to time, you may develop a friendship with someone in your
organization. It’s one thing to have a peer-to-peer friendship at work,
but another to have a power imbalance with your friend. Can you be
friends with someone who works for you, especially when your role
requires you to harbor secrets from them?
Consider this example: Mariah and Einat became friends
over a dozen
years ago after they discovered their shared love of outdoor activities.
They’ve hiked and backpacked and taken long bike rides together.
Together they have survived some sharp rocks, literally and
figuratively, in their friendship.
But Mariah and Einat started out in a different relationship. Mariah
was a vice president of their company and Einat’s skip-level boss. Einat
was a senior director in Mariah’s group. Clearly any manager-employee
friendship is fraught with traps. You might damage either the friendship
or the working relationship. Other staff may withhold valuable feedback
about the employee if they sense you’re friends. You could lose trust
with your friend and with the rest of your staff if you’re not careful
about walking the fine line between confidentiality and transparency.
In her role, Mariah often knew information that would impact Einat’s
job, including possible layoffs and promotions. Even though they were
close friends, Mariah had to keep this sensitive information
confidential. Mariah trusted that Einat would understand the constraints
on transparency because of their roles at work. When I talked with
Einat, she did understand and called it her “suck-it-up muscle.”
Not every employee has this muscle, though, and they can become
offended or hurt by withheld information or negative feedback. And not
every boss knows how to navigate the fine line of how much to share and
when. But there are ways you can set your friendship up for success.
Here are five tips on how to manage a friendship with one of your
employees.
Choose your friends carefully. Many of us heard this
advice when our moms kissed us goodbye for our first day of
kindergarten, but it’s especially important at work. Having a friend who
is a subordinate requires high degrees of trust and judgment on both
parts. It’s not possible with every work relationship. Mariah points out
that both parties must be mature and have enough self-esteem to build
trust over time. “It’s really not rocket science,” said Mariah, “just
impeccable communications and boundaries.”
Set expectations at the start.
You will have
knowledge and responsibilities beyond your friend’s role and clearance,
and your friend needs to know that. Be transparent up front about what
you can and can’t share. I didn’t follow this advice earlier in my
career and instead simply made an assumption. When I was working with my
peers on our management team on a company reorg, I knew my friend Alice
would be affected. But I wasn’t her manager, and I had to keep the
information confidential. After the changes were announced, Alice was
upset that I had kept the reorg from her. I had assumed it was obvious
that, even though we were friends, I couldn’t share any information that
Alice didn’t have access to in the normal course of business. It wasn’t
a matter of trust; it was a matter of ethics. And sharing the reorg
information prematurely would have also put Alice in an awkward position
with her peers who were in the dark. In retrospect, establishing
boundaries with Alice may not have made the reorg easier for her, but it
would have avoided any tension in our relationship.
Be clear about your roles in conversation.
Explicitly
setting norms together for how you will work and play creates equality
and equanimity in your friendship. Whether you’re in a one-on-one
conversation in the office or hanging out together after work, be
transparent about what kind of conversation you’re having. Say something
like, “Let’s talk about this in friend mode.” Or, “Here’s a work topic
that I’d like to bring up and get out of the way first.” But also check
if it’s okay with your friend to have that conversation at that moment.
As a manager, you might say, “I want to find out how things are going
with your project. Is this a discussion we can have right now?” This
allows your friend to have an equal say in what topics are discussed
when.
Be transparent with others.
Since Mariah was two
levels above Einat, when she was in meetings with her direct reports,
she would recuse herself on discussions about Einat’s pay. Mariah would
state clearly that she and Einat were friends, so she didn’t want that
to influence the team’s decision making. Others might feel awkward
disclosing their feelings about your employee, especially if they have
negative feedback. They might wonder if you’ll hold their comments
against them, or if you might unduly influence the outcome of the
discussion. On the other hand, you might know more than you’re supposed
to bring into the professional setting. Mariah noted, “I wanted to be
careful that my inside information wouldn’t be taken out of context.”
Do your job.
Be direct and prompt in communications —
especially when it comes to negative feedback or unpleasant news, like a
layoff. Even if you’re afraid of hurting your friend’s feelings or fear
they might get defensive, speak up, but be prepared that there may be
rocky times or even long breaks in your relationship. As you wrap up the
discussion, let your colleague know you want to be friends, but give
them space to make their own decision about whether they also want to
maintain the friendship. For example, Ben and Ravi had been friends for
many years when they began working together. Ravi was hired as Ben’s
manager. After a couple of years, Ravi had to tell Ben that Ben’s job
was being eliminated. Ben said, “It was challenging for each of us. He
didn’t want to have to tell me, of all people, that I’d lost my job.”
After leaving his job, Ben remained friends with Ravi because he
realized Ravi’s decision was business, not personal, but it took Ben
some time before he could come around to that mindset.
Friendships are based on mutual trust and transparency. Navigating
manager-employee friendships is tricky, especially when, as a boss,
you’re privy to information that your employee is not. The work
friendships that survive are also based on trust and transparency:
transparency about the boundaries within which you will be able to
communicate and trust that your actions are professional, not personal.
Sabina Nawaz is a global CEO coach,
leadership keynote speaker, and writer working in over 26 countries.
She advises C-level executives in Fortune 500 corporations, government
agencies, non-profits, and academic organizations.
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