Are you approachable?
By Mary Jo Asmus, smartblogs.com, 04-06-2014
When I interview the stakeholders on the strengths and gaps of the
leaders I work with, it’s not unusual for me to hear that the peers and
direct reports may see that leader as “aloof” or unapproachable. The
fact that they may be in senior management can compound the issue, as
there is always that hierarchical block that may keep employees away.
Some reasons why a leader may appear to be unapproachable:
Discomfort: It’s not unusual for leaders to be uncomfortable
and even awkward around others. They may naturally be an introvert, or
they may not have learned the social skills needed to interact in a way
that pulls others toward them.
Driven: Many good leaders are so naturally focused on the work
of getting things done (which is often why they have been promoted)
that they haven’t recognized approachability as a leverage point for
great leadership.
Self-contained: Some very good leaders are just plain hard to
get to know. They don’t talk about themselves or reveal their
vulnerabilities, making them appear less than human while unknowingly
giving off an air of detachment.
Unapproachability can be a blind spot for some very good leaders. In
other words, they are surprised (and dismayed) to hear that others see
them as unsociable, standoffish, or distant. It’s rarely intentional,
even if the office gossip might make one believe their behavior is “on
purpose.” Without a change in an unapproachable leader’s behavior, this
can stall or stop a career.
Employees need to be able to interact with the leader if the work is to get done. In the end, work is a relationship that requires collaboration. Without healthy relationships in the workplace, all kinds of dysfunction can occur.
If you are one of those leaders who has had feedback indicating that
others see you as aloof, distant, or unapproachable, it’s important to
use interpersonal skills that might make you uncomfortable, up to and
including conversations that might make you uncomfortable.
Consider starting the following:
Initiate conversations: Get out of your comfort zone and begin
some conversations. It is essential for you to approach others first in
order to begin to be seen as approachable. Remember to be sincere,
smile, make eye contact, be relaxed, and start with a question.
Something mildly personal is not a bad way to start — “How was your
weekend?” or “What hobbies do you enjoy?”
Listen: You might think everyone would know that when they ask
a question, they need to listen to the answer. Not always, particularly
when a leader is in a position of authority or nervous. They may talk
over someone and respond by giving their opinion, judgment or personal
experience. When you listen, do so by turning off the chatter in your
brain (as well as your mouth). Try to find: a.) a follow-on question
about their interests, or b.) common ground to further the conversation.
Reveal some things about yourself: It’s perfectly OK to reveal
your own interests outside of work, or what you did on your vacation.
But be brief, don’t dominate the conversation, and remember to keep
listening to out more about the person you’re speaking to. These steps
will help develop the relationship so they will approach you in the
future.
Remember: Try to remember things about the other person that
you can start a conversation with. They’ll be grateful that you
remembered. Take notes after your conversation, if needed, about their
interests so you can have a conversation-starter.
Showing empathy: People want to be heard, and active listening
is one of the best ways to show empathy to others. When I think back
over my career, the leaders and bosses who I felt really heard me are
the ones that I worked hardest for. Beyond listening, when someone is
troubled about work or something personal, try to put yourself in their
shoes to understand their side of things and follow up later to inquire
about their concerns.
Be every bit as diligent about reaching out to others as you are
about getting the work done. They go hand in hand to lead you to
success.
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